No Regrets 10-8-2014

“There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.”

T.S. Eliot, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”

It seems the overriding theme of my life at this time is, in fact, time. Time travel, time lords, being on time, needing more time, passing time, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…

I am like a mad snowball rushing down a hill, gathering speed and knowledge and emotions. I don’t know where it will end. I do know that I no longer use “patience” as my first option. For better or worse, if I see something to be done, moved, fixed, tossed, bought, loved, disliked or wanted, it must happen now. I walk around in a perpetual state of Veruca Salt-ness, from Willy Wonka fame, because I want it all NOW: the golden egg, the golden ticket, the golden moments in time.

What is it like, to live like that? Why can’t I just “be calm and carry on”? My life is a giant pinball game. The ball is dinging off of one metal pad, bouncing to another, then another. Each ding is a task, a wish, a hope, a meeting, a decision. And I only have time while that silver ball is in play. This machine does not have the option of three balls for a quarter. And sometimes the machine needs to be gunched. Sometimes in the urgency I risk tilting.

I know the ball will eventually drop down the chute. The lights will flash and a final score will be shown.

I want to shake the world and say, this and this and this must happen now! And not happen out of greed, but out of the realization that time on this earth is short. There is no time for inconvenient patience. People are dropping like flies, from diseases, violence, accidents. Balls are dropping down chutes right and left.

I want my lights to flash now, while the ball is in play, and have my end score flash brightly “no regrets”!

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